Dearest Альфред
by Atemu'sLotus
Summary: Finding one's soulmate is the greatest gift in all of the universe and more of a tragedy when that soulmate is lost.  CHARACTER DEATHS, AU GENDERBEND Female!RussiaxAmerica


Hello everyone!  
>It's been a long time I know but things have been very stressful, I swear I'm going to go bald! :'D But enough about me. This here is a fanfic that I'm really proud of because it I wrote it at 4AM and it actually makes sense! Whoo!<p>

This is an **AU** and there are **TWO CHARACTER DEATHS**. TWO. (I'm efficient, I know).

**Translations** are at the end everyone!

**Ivana=Russia and Natal=Belarus**

Please enjoy!  
>Disclaimer: There once was an Atemu'sLotus in a shoe and that's basically it. She only owns a shoe and pretty much nothing else. Sorry about that...<p>

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><p>Nikki took a deep breath before she took one long look around the cemetery. She was surrounded by her family, friends, loving husband, and caring children and yet she couldn't really smile at the thought. In her hands was a black leather bound journal bursting with scraps of paper, photos, and other interesting papers. This was her mother's journal. She could still see her mother's soft violet eyes as she told Nikki to read the journal when she died because then she would understand.<p>

At first she had no idea what her mother meant until she read who the journal was to. Nikki had never met her father who served in the marines and died overseas when she was just a baby. Of course, Nikki had all of the home videos that he had ever made because sometimes she just wanted to sit down and pretend that he knew her and loved her. It was silly to think that he didn't love her but she had nothing to go on. Would he be proud of her accomplishments? Would he approve of Brian, her husband, and her three coming onto to four children?

This journal, no, these letters, to her father from her mother until her death are exactly what Nikki needed. So with a heavy heart she opened the first page and began to read out loud, sharing her mother's thoughts with the rest of her siblings.

.:.*~*.:.

Dearest Alfred,

How are you my love? Are you keeping warm where you are? Please don't catch your death of cold just because you are too stubborn to put on a cardigan. Ahahaha… I can hear you arguing with me now, I can see your face all scrunched up in that adorable fashion. Remember that no matter where you are now I will always win our little spats.

Goodness I miss you. So much. It feels like my heart has fallen out of my chest and I can't put it back in because there's nothing to fill the void…

Everyone's worried about me. They say I'm not eating but I am my love, I am. I eat a little bit here and there but I eagerly await your return so I won't eat everything given to me. Our friends say that that's silly because when you come back you won't eat. How stupid of them. I mean, how many times have they seen you eat almost all of the food at that horrid American restaurant Old Country Buffet? Remember how you would beg me to take you and the kids there just so you could eat everything in sight. Really darling, does your stomach have an end?

But don't you worry about anything. I have everything prepared for your arrival. Everyone's going to be here, like one big party! It'll be a lot of fun, I'm sure of it. Of course it will! You're coming back to me right? Of course it'll be fun.

And did you hear? There will be personnel escorting you home and into my awaiting arms! Your own guard, is that not amazing?

Everyone wants you home but I think that I am the only one that is excited to see you. The kids are too young to understand, Lexi and Adrian might understand but I put their melancholy nature to just being teens. Our baby will finally get to see you! But I think I am the only one excited, everyone else seems too down trodden, which upsets me because you're coming home and deserve a happy reception! I'm sure if you were here you would agree with me.

Well I must go love, more preparations for your arrival. My dearest brothers have been taking care of all of the arrangements for me, including dear Matthew. Your brother seems so confused around me but I think it's just because I can't contain my joy at being able to see you!

Forever yours,

Ivana  
>***********************<p>

Dearest Alfred,

I see your face everywhere and it hurts my heart. I'll be walking in the mall with our children in tow and that's when I see you, your golden hair shining in the sunlight. I get so excited that I hand Lexi the baby and rush over to meet you. By the time I get there you're gone and a hideous person is there instead. They look at me with their non-blue eyes and I scowl. But you're not only in the mall. You're everywhere.

Sometimes it's not your hair that I see. Sometimes it's your smile. I can see your smile in so many as if you went around handing them out to share your happiness with everyone. I can see you doing that. I can see you handing out free smiles to people because you're 'the hero!'. How silly and utterly completely you. When I take a second look at those people, my chest burns and I have to look away.

It's never you.

Why do I think that it's you? You've been de- gone for over a year now. A whole year I have yet to see your smile, your beautifully handsome face, your endearing laugh, and your eyes. Just thinking about your eyes. Remember how you used to look at me? How you would look at our children? Sometimes I dream about you gazing upon baby Nikki with that same soft expression that you gave every one of our children. How soft your eyes were and how gentle your voice when you spoke to our children…

God Alfred, it hurts so much. I just can't feel my heart beat anymore and I don't think I want it to. I want my heart to remain silent until I see you again.

Always when I see a piece of you at the mall, amusement parks, library amazingly enough, diners, and EVERYWHERE my heart begins to beat. I feel alive when I see you and then that person kills me all over again.

HOW DARE THEY! HOW DARE THEY PRETEND TO BE YOU! I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM!

WHY DID YOU GO? WHY!  
>***********************<p>

Dearest Alfred,

Please come back.

Я буду всегда любить тебя,

Ivana  
>***********************<p>

Dearest Alfred,

I still see you everywhere and it's been over two years now. I'm not as angry as I once was. I no longer glare at your imposters, at the people who could only dream of ever being you. Now whenever I see you I am surprised and think, 'Oh! There he is! I knew he'd come back, how silly of me to worry.' Then my dead heart reminds me of the truth and I am lost again.

Nikki's in her terrible two stage. I think you would find it funny how feisty she can be, just like her American father. Lexi and Adrian are both on High Honor Roll at school, top of their class actually. Harriet is at the top of her class as well but has found a love of art. Murals are what she is most fond of and I try to take her to as many museums as I possibly can.

Benny is also doing well academically but he's really focused on ballet at the moment. When he first told me of his interest in ballet I thought I would faint. Would you have wanted that? Would you have told him to pursue his dream? How can I be you and myself at the same time? Then I remembered that he was our child; our handsome, talented child that deserved every bit of happiness. I could almost here you say, "Benny, you be the best man out there because damn, you're a Jones and Jones' rock at everything!"

I remember that time I found you painting your toe nails with the girls while the boys brushed your hair into spikes. You had no problem flaunting off your children's fashion at the neighborhood picnic. When the men made fun of you and questioned you, all you did was laugh along. You were always so sure, so comfortable.

I wish for that comfortableness.

Still waiting,

Ivana  
>***********************<p>

Dearest Alfred,

I can not believe them! They have no idea how much they have insulted me! Flora and Becki from work just tried to 'hook' me up with someone! What am I? A fish?

Did I tell you of my new job? I work at a local bar as a bouncer ever since Nikki joined her siblings in private school. Do not worry love for I'm not overworking myself. I only work at the bar on Fridays and Saturdays. Sundays are when the kids and I relax together. Please do not worry.

But Flora and Becki have gone too far. They believe that I should get into the dating 'scene' (What is this an aquatic movie now?). I told them that my heart does not beat romantically anymore but they insisted that after I met with 'hot sexy' men I would soon forget about you. I nearly smashed a bottle against the bar, instead I opted for slamming my hands down. The look on their faces was of shock and horror and it felt good. I told them off and that they could go stick it where the sun don't shine because they were the most arrogant idiotic asinine bitches in the world if they thought that anyone could replace you.

Needless to say I have to look for another job. Again. First the shop, then the office supply store, then the diner, and now this, is there anyone out there that won't try to change me?

I don't understand. How can they not see? But I suppose that they weren't there huh? My friends never understand but our friends do. Our friends understand what we were, what we were to each other.

My friends weren't there at that stupid convention that Natal dragged me to, the exact place where I first met you. I can still remember what you first said, "Damn girl, your legs go all the way up and make an ass of themselves!" Ahahaha… I remember kicking you in the balls and telling you off. My friends weren't there when I finally acknowledged you after at least a thousand failed attempts of getting a date out of me. My friends weren't there on our wedding day, and I still say that you cried during the ceremony I swear you did. My friends weren't there when Lexi and Adrian were born and for sure you really cried. And more so after whenever a child was born to us.

They weren't there when you cried on the Skype conference call over Nikki because you couldn't be there. They just weren't there when I got that phone call! They weren't there when I believed that you were coming home safe and sound and that nothing was wrong. They just were not there when I died! How could they possibly understand our first kiss, our first dance as husband and wife, the first night we became one, the first of everything? They can't and every time they try it makes me want to cry out in agony because you, you my handsome hero, aren't there to hold me.

Every night I reach over to your side of the bed and it's cold and dead, just like my romantic life.

I found my soul and I lost it.

Forever yours,

Ivana  
>***********************<p>

Dearest Alfred,

It's been twenty years since that horrible day. We all went to visit your grave, I made sure to leave a Happy Meal for you. Nikki's fiancé left a stone on your tombstone, as is tradition. You now have fresh flowers and new toys to play with. Caroline, your lovely granddaughter who I swear looks exactly like you sang a song for you. I hope you liked it.

After all these years I still get emotional. It's been a hard journey without you. All of our kids are so grown up and our grandkids are just starting out in this whole new world. They all love you by the way. I thank God that I let you buy that silly video camera all those years ago. The kids all laugh at the home videos that you made of all of us. Nikki gets to see you at your finest. We even have that video of you crying at her birth! Gilbert recorded it while you weren't paying attention. I swear every time it plays I bawl like a baby.

I'm writing in this old journal now because I need you to help me. You've always gotten me through the bad times my dearest Alfred and I need you now more than ever. I need you to love me through this… I have cancer. I just- Oh Alfred what am I going to do? I feel so tired from the chemo and the kids are all so worried. I'm so afraid that everything will fade away and I can't stop it. I see my body weakening and I hear my children cry out but no one's here to catch me. Please catch me Fredka. Please save me.

Please.

Calling for a hero,

Ivana  
>***********************<p>

Dearest Fredka,

I believe this is my last entry. I have lived for 90 years now, almost 91 and has it ever been worth it. The world wind romance of my youth and the bright future with you. Those were glorious times that warm my caving chest. We have so many grandchildren Fredka, our family is so big, so loving.

This is my last entry because I'm too tired to write now. I'm afraid the cancer came back Солнышко моё. It has spread to my blood and now I will soon join you. Oh how I long to see your face, ты такая красивая.

Альфред, мне не жить Без твоей любви and моё сердце полно любви knowing that I'll see you soon.

Am I making any sense at all? Ahahaha…

I grow tired now. I shall see you soon ангел мой.

Не могу жить без тебя,

Ivana

P.S. My dearest children, I love you… And- Альфред, will guide me so don't fret. Good night, I'll see you when you wake.

.:.*~*.:.

Nikki closed the journal and held it to her chest for dear life, "Mama, mama…" she cried as Brian wrapped his arms around her from behind. Her children all grabbed her skirt and leaned on her, asking her not to cry. Lexi and Adrian held hands as silent tears fell from their eyes as they listened to their children cry for the their grandmother and their respective partners silently supporting them. Harriet kneeled down to hug her kids while her husband rubbed her back. Benny remained stoic although a little teary as his family curled around him for support.

"Have fun with dad, mom. We love you," Lexi whispered, yet everyone heard it and put in their chorus of 'I-Love-You's and 'safe-jouney's.

Ivana watched them from her place beside the Weeping Willow tree in the cemetery and sighed. Oh how it hurt to see her children cry for her but she felt even more lost than before. She was sure that once she died Alfred would be waiting impatiently for her, commenting on how he was always waitin' on a woman. Yet here she was, all alone in death as she was in life. Something heavy settled on her chest and she couldn't help but walk up to her children in an attempt to comfort them. None of them noticed her spirit though, again leaving her all alone. Ivana looked at her crippled, aged hands and sighed.

"Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here."

When Ivana turned around her aged skin and sparse gray hair transformed into flawless silk and flowing strawberry blonde locks. Her lavender eyes widened in surprise as she saw Fredka grinning at her, receiving her in his special occasion marine uniform, standing underneath the very tree she had just been under. His eyes glowed an unearthly sky blue as his gold hair remained stationary in the autumn breeze.

That smile that she had only seen in photographs and old videos for so long was finally there in front of her and she couldn't help herself. Ivana began to cry, "Альфред, Альфред, Альфред…" Her whole spirit shaking with relief and love at finally reuniting with her soulmate.

"I've been waiting long enough. Geeze Louise waitin' on a woman," he joked as he gazed at her with those all too familiar cornflower blue eyes. Альфред gently smiled and raised his right hand towards her, asking her to reach out, "Любовь моя, приди ко мне." Such a simple command and yet so powerful.

Ivana walked towards him at first until she realized she was suddenly beside him and then she grabbed onto him for dear life. He chuckled as he wrapped his strong arm around the woman he had missed ever since his deployment.

"Vanya I'm so proud of you. You are an angel, look how beautiful our children are and it's all thanks to you. Простите, I'm sorry for leaving so soon," Альфред whispered in her ear as he gently rubbed her back to calm her sobs. Finally when she calmed down Альфред squeezed her hand as he let her go and held out his arm like a gentleman. Before she could grab it though Альфред exclaimed, "Oh wait! I forgot something."

He went around to everyone at the ceremony and either gave them a hug, slap on the back, or a nice ruffle of hair. When he finally got to Nikki he just stared. Finally he leaned in to whisper into her ear, "There is nothing I wouldn't approve of if it made you happy ребенок мой. I'm so proud of you."

Nikki gasped, hearing a male voice she had only heard in movies whisper in her ear and she began to cry with a new abandon. Her family was confused at this new intense wave of sobs but it wasn't until much later that she would tell them what she heard and saw.

She watched as her mother reached out her hand to grab what once was hers and is now again. Альфред intertwined their fingers as he deeply kissed his soulmate and smiled happily at her. Together they stepped forward into daylight, into a new beginning, and a new life with each other. Forever and for always Ivana and Alfred.

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><p>Translations:<p>

Я буду всегда любить тебя: I will always love you

Солнышко моё: My sun

Ты [такая] красивая: You are [so] beautiful

Мне не жить Без твоей любви: I can't live without your love

Моё сердце полно любви: My heart is full of love

Ангел мой: My angel

Не могу жить без тебя: I can't live without you

Любовь моя, приди ко мне: Come to me, my love

Всё, что мне нужно; это твоя любовь: All I need is your love

Простите: I'm sorry

ребенок мой: My child

Альфред: Alfred

So that's it. If you're a country fan you'll notice A LOT of references to country songs. This entire fic was based on at least five different songs and therefore I have a proposition for you. **IF you are the first person that can name all of the country songs that I referenced and maybe even gained inspiration from then I shall write a Hetalia fanfiction of your choice.** Of course, these request fanfictions must be reasonable. I don't want any YaoxHaiti in SPACE fanfics... Please be reasonable. :'D Although now that I think about it... ANYWAYS. There's your contest!

This was my first shot at writing something REALLY depressing. So critique is welcome...

Thanks for reading and see ya later!


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